The following is brought to you by paint chips, car exhaust and the letter duh.
My phone rang in the middle of the night. Without checking the number, I foolishly answered it. Some woman on the other end asked for Craig. I informed her that she had the wrong number, but she refused to accept that and asked for Craig again.
Me: There is no Craig here. You have the wrong number.
Woman: Who are you?
Me: The person who lives here.
Woman: Since when?
Me: Since when is it your business? You've got the wrong number.
Woman: I wanna' talk to Craig. Just get him for me.
Me: There's no Craig here. You have the wrong number and it's the middle of the night.
Woman: Wait, is this ###-####?
Me: No.
Woman: Oh.
I hung up on her.
She called back.
Woman: Is Craig there?
Me: YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER. LEAVE ME ALONE.
Woman: (Flustered) Sor-REE! Jesus!
Thinking everything was resolved, I settled back down. The phone starts back up.
Woman: Is Craig there?
Me: Did I not just tell you that you have the wrong number?
Woman: Um, yeah. But is he really not there, or is he just avoiding me?
Me: I couldn't tell you. I don't know the guy. He doesn't live here. You have the wrong number.
Woman: Well maybe he calls himself Craig to me and something else to you.
Me: Maybe you should stop drinking cleaning fluids.
I hung up and waited to see if the phone would ring again. It did.
Woman: Is Craig there?
Me: Is this somebody from work? I realize overnights are boring.
Woman: I'm not at work. I don't have a job.
Me: That's nice. Look, you really need to check your number. You've got the wrong one.
Woman: Yes, you said that.
Me: Well, maybe you should hang up now.
Woman: Okay.
She hangs up. I get a glass of water. The phone rings again.
Me: Look, whatever this is, it stopped being funny a while ago. Some people sleep this time of day.
Woman: You seem alert...
Me: Awake. Alert. Irritated. Yeah.
Woman: I wouldn't bug you if I could just talk to Craig.
Me: What part of 'wrong number' did I fail to make abundantly clear?
Woman: I don't have the wrong number.
Me: Yes you do.
Woman: No. I checked it. I don't have the wrong number and I know Craig is home.
Me: His home is NOT here. You have the wrong number. Please go to bed.
The phone rings again.
Woman: Maybe I should just come over.
Me: If you do, I hope he kicks your ass.
Woman: So he IS there!
Me: Yes! And he wishes natural selection would catch up with you.
Woman: (pause) What's that?
Me: Taking a bath with your hair dryer. Try it. It's fun!
Woman: Oh. My mother says that's dangerous.
Me: Try it with a toaster, then. Hey! There's an idea! Go ask your mom where Craig is.
When I hung up, I tried dialing *60 to block her out of my phone. CenturyLink replied with a recording saying that the number was unblockable. Lovely.
The phone rings again.
Me: What'd your mother say?
Woman: She didn't know where Craig was.
Me: Did you really ask her?
Woman: No. She doesn't want me calling her now.
Me: News flash -- I don't want you to call me, EITHER!"
Woman: I'm not really calling you. I'm calling Craig.
Me: Do I need to illustrate this with puppets? This is the wrong number.
Woman: I think you're lying.
Me: I think you need to lie in front of a train.
Woman: Wait, can I check this one more time?
Me: Check what?
Woman: Is this ###-####?
Me: No.
Woman: Oh.
This time she hangs up. Fearing the inevitable, I get up to have a cup of cocoa. Sure enough, the phone rings again.
Woman: It's you again. I keep getting you.
Me: Probably because you STILL have the wrong number.
Woman: But I checked it and hit the button.
Me: What button?
Woman: Redial.
My phone rang in the middle of the night. Without checking the number, I foolishly answered it. Some woman on the other end asked for Craig. I informed her that she had the wrong number, but she refused to accept that and asked for Craig again.
Me: There is no Craig here. You have the wrong number.
Woman: Who are you?
Me: The person who lives here.
Woman: Since when?
Me: Since when is it your business? You've got the wrong number.
Woman: I wanna' talk to Craig. Just get him for me.
Me: There's no Craig here. You have the wrong number and it's the middle of the night.
Woman: Wait, is this ###-####?
Me: No.
Woman: Oh.
I hung up on her.
She called back.
Woman: Is Craig there?
Me: YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER. LEAVE ME ALONE.
Woman: (Flustered) Sor-REE! Jesus!
Thinking everything was resolved, I settled back down. The phone starts back up.
Woman: Is Craig there?
Me: Did I not just tell you that you have the wrong number?
Woman: Um, yeah. But is he really not there, or is he just avoiding me?
Me: I couldn't tell you. I don't know the guy. He doesn't live here. You have the wrong number.
Woman: Well maybe he calls himself Craig to me and something else to you.
Me: Maybe you should stop drinking cleaning fluids.
I hung up and waited to see if the phone would ring again. It did.
Woman: Is Craig there?
Me: Is this somebody from work? I realize overnights are boring.
Woman: I'm not at work. I don't have a job.
Me: That's nice. Look, you really need to check your number. You've got the wrong one.
Woman: Yes, you said that.
Me: Well, maybe you should hang up now.
Woman: Okay.
She hangs up. I get a glass of water. The phone rings again.
Me: Look, whatever this is, it stopped being funny a while ago. Some people sleep this time of day.
Woman: You seem alert...
Me: Awake. Alert. Irritated. Yeah.
Woman: I wouldn't bug you if I could just talk to Craig.
Me: What part of 'wrong number' did I fail to make abundantly clear?
Woman: I don't have the wrong number.
Me: Yes you do.
Woman: No. I checked it. I don't have the wrong number and I know Craig is home.
Me: His home is NOT here. You have the wrong number. Please go to bed.
The phone rings again.
Woman: Maybe I should just come over.
Me: If you do, I hope he kicks your ass.
Woman: So he IS there!
Me: Yes! And he wishes natural selection would catch up with you.
Woman: (pause) What's that?
Me: Taking a bath with your hair dryer. Try it. It's fun!
Woman: Oh. My mother says that's dangerous.
Me: Try it with a toaster, then. Hey! There's an idea! Go ask your mom where Craig is.
When I hung up, I tried dialing *60 to block her out of my phone. CenturyLink replied with a recording saying that the number was unblockable. Lovely.
The phone rings again.
Me: What'd your mother say?
Woman: She didn't know where Craig was.
Me: Did you really ask her?
Woman: No. She doesn't want me calling her now.
Me: News flash -- I don't want you to call me, EITHER!"
Woman: I'm not really calling you. I'm calling Craig.
Me: Do I need to illustrate this with puppets? This is the wrong number.
Woman: I think you're lying.
Me: I think you need to lie in front of a train.
Woman: Wait, can I check this one more time?
Me: Check what?
Woman: Is this ###-####?
Me: No.
Woman: Oh.
This time she hangs up. Fearing the inevitable, I get up to have a cup of cocoa. Sure enough, the phone rings again.
Woman: It's you again. I keep getting you.
Me: Probably because you STILL have the wrong number.
Woman: But I checked it and hit the button.
Me: What button?
Woman: Redial.